Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
