My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm gonna fight the coyote
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Never joke about your clitoris.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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