Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
two words...techno handjob
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
