My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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