i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
3 2 1 whiskey
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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