I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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