can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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