you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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