I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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