good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
