My cat gives me a boner
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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