My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
