last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
