I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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