Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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