Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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