you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
