The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
