It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
