and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
