I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
