I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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