There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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