please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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