So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
