Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
