can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
