dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
