So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
