Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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