i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
