If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
