i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
