Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
