I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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