Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
