Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
