Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
