found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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