You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
