There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
