Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
