I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
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I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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