i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
