If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
