Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
