woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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