we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
