Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
