Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just saw a hot homeless man
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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