were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
