be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
