She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
two words: eviction party
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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