this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
