And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
jump out the window naked night went bad
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
