i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
