rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
