Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
